Oh, how amazing it is to bring life into this world! Mothers should be worshiped and revered for the ultra-feminine and powerful babes that we are. After all, we are the reason humanity has continued to exist! What a blessing to be part of such a beautiful and mysterious gift. For you lovely ladies who are holding a positive pregnancy test for the first time, here’s some information that perhaps no veteran mommy has shared with you — because if you knew these things beforehand, you might never partake in the divine gift of childbearing. Consider yourself warned, because it’s about to get real. Here are some crucial things to know:
You’ll be the gassiest person in the room. You will be so painfully bloated it will be physically impossible to hold it in. You will burp approximately every 30 seconds for 9 months straight, and you will pass gas like a frat dude. You won’t even care anymore. When other people are around, you’ll just blame it on the dog.
Everybody smells. Seriously. You will smell your coworker’s lipstick while she’s chatting next to you. You’ll smell someone’s breath from 5 feet away. You’ll fight back waves of nausea as you walk past people in the grocery store. You will openly gag any time any smell of any kind hits your nose. Especially the smell of Burger King.
Tweezers are your new BFF. You’ll start growing hair in manly places: upper lip, nipples, belly button, big toe. It’s from your prenatal vitamins, which are also the cause of your snaggly fingernails that constantly need to be trimmed.
Sex is so awkward. And not just for the obvious reasons. You will hate it and avoid it at all costs, or you will have the most insatiable appetite ever known to man. You will have the freakiest dreams and you’ll wake up breathless and mortified at the crazy scenarios your brain concocted while you slept. You can only be one type or the other, and I will not tell you which one I was.
Your boobs will leak. The baby isn’t even born yet, but your milk ducts apparently didn’t get the memo. You don’t have a period right now but you may need to save those panty-liners for your bra.
Nobody will talk to you about anything unless it’s baby-related. You will field a nonstop barrage of questions and comments from friends, family, coworkers, and the barista at Starbucks. Everyone wants to know about your due date, what you’re having, did you really want ANOTHER boy, what are your top 5 names, how do you feel, how big you are, how much maternity leave you’re taking, are you doing a “natural birth”, and who’s your baby’s godparents. You will want to crank this baby out just so people stop talking to you for 5 seconds. Which brings me to my next point:
You’ll be a hormonal mess. You will sob while watching that movie where Brad Pitt is an adorable miniature old man. You will cry when the waiter brings you the wrong order. You will feel the purest white-hot anger you’ve ever felt in your life and you will demand all kind of unreasonable things from basically everyone.
Your pride is out the window. Between barfing in the bathroom at work, getting brand-new stretch marks, your nose getting fat, your OB joking about the mucus plug falling on the floor during an exam, and approximately 14937457 doctors, nurses, and medical interns viewing your nether regions on a regular basis, you will be humbled by your own disgustingness. On the bright side, after awhile you become desensitized and that is why you will eventually have more children.
And finally, your husband will be even more horrified at what happens next. I mean, childbirth IS kind of crazy. Pop some popcorn, put on some home-birth YouTube videos, and prepare him for the inevitable.
All of this is because the cute little bean you’re growing is throwing every cell in your body completely out of whack. But do not fear! Be full of gratitude. You are now a member of an elite club. To quote my favorite Saturday Night Live skit: “You’re not a woman anymore, you’re a MOM.”